I recently started a yoga teacher training program. It is an eight-month program here in Brooklyn with twenty-odd fellow yogi students in my cohort. It is the first time in over a decade that I have been in a formal learning environment. We met for our first module of learning this past weekend — it was focused on the basic tenets of Tibetan Buddhist philosophy.

The Buddha spoke about samsara-the endless cycle of suffering- and how much of the suffering we experience is due to suffering that we create in our minds. He taught that meditation is a way for us to become more familiar with how our minds work so that eventually we can learn to clear it. Buddhists believe that meditation is the way to escape samsara.

As we sat in the yoga studio, propped up on yoga blocks and blankets in that supportive and peaceful space, listening to the lecture, I started to notice the cyclical thoughts and feelings in my head. One thought came up frequently — I noticed that I was putting pressure on myself to make some yoga teacher training friends.

It seems silly doesn’t it: that in the program we are learning about the Buddha’s path to reduce suffering and here I am silently self-inflicting my suffering because I don’t have a yoga bff yet.

I think to myself, “I don’t know anyone here. If I could only make one friend, it would be great!”

Every time the teachers in the program give us a break, my brain gives me pushy commands: Smile! Be friendly! Ask them what they think about the training program so far!

Can you relate to this? Do you find yourself trying hard to “find your people” in a new social environment — learning setting or otherwise?

It has been interesting to reflect on this “suffering”. I put quotations because while it may be a stretch to call my yoga bff goals “suffering” compared to all other kinds of suffering in the world, it does feel stressful in the way it manifests itself in my mind and body.

As the weekend continued, we learned more about meditation as a tool for noticing our thoughts and feelings, and how ever-changing those things are. We also learned that The Buddha placed an importance on considering the intention of whatever is it that you’re doing.

I considered my own intentions.

Am I wanting to make a yoga friend so that I can feel like I belong in the class even thought I don’t know how to do a headstand or crow pose yet?

Or so that I don’t feel left out when other students are chatting and laughing together?

There have been times in my life that I did make a best friend in class. One of my friends and I met in 7th grade science class, and we had a lot of fun rolling our eyes together and talking about how silly some of the people in our class were. Maybe I wanted to make a friend so that I could talk negatively about others.

The Buddha would say (and I agree) that making a yoga friend would not end my lifelong fears of feeling lonely. Perhaps if I find a yoga friend, temporarily there may be joy, but some life changes will inevitably cause me to feel like an outsider again.

Is there a way to feel connected more permanently?

There does seem to be a meaningful way of building human connection. The Buddha calls this concept a sangha. A collective of people that support and uplift one another on their paths to escape samsara. I resonated with this Buddhist concept and thought it provided a meaningful answer to the “why” of making friends.

The intention behind cultivating a sangha is different from how I have typically approached making friends. It would come from a place of “how can I help support others” rather than “how can these relationships serve me”.

As I continue in my reflections and in my training, I hope I can apply Buddha’s wise teaching to my life. I hope I can become more familiar with my mind. I hope I can learn that everyone is seeking connection and peace. Maybe then, I can find a more lasting sense of belonging.